Who art thou?

This week brought a promise from one of the MTC teachers during "coaching missionary study" (basically personal coaching on a companionship basis). He brought up the story in Moses chapter 1. Moses is transfigured and sees a vision of the earth and everything on/in it. God then leaves Moses for a while and Satan comes and tempts him. Moses casts out Satan, and then sees an even fuller vision of the earth and of God's purposes. I highly recommend reading, whoever you are.

He said something like "God never wants you to not talk to someone, especially as a missionary. It's Satan who is tempting you to not open your mouth. Satan always pokes at our weaknesses, and this happens to be yours. Perhaps Satan can't get at you in other areas of your life. This chapter is for you. Like Moses, you can discern that it's Satan who doesn't want you to talk to people to keep them away from the Gospel. Like Moses, you can tell Satan "Who art thou? Where is thy glory that I should worship thee?". You can say "get thee hence Satan" and call upon God to unloose your tongue. Call upon God every day to unloose your tongue."

I find it interesting that Moses was slow of speech as well. I don't know if that means that he had a stuttering problem, was afraid to talk to people, or if he wasn't eloquent or a man of many words. But regardless, God definitely made up for what he lacked and made him a powerful instrument in God's hands. I know the same can and will happen for me if I work my hardest and call upon God. I thought I'd share this because the same goes for you. I know that Satan's main "work and glory" is to hold you back and make you miserable. God's work and glory is to make you more than you can possibly imagine (like Him) and to help you soar. When times are hard and fear is holding you back, tell Satan/that fear, "Who art thou? Where is thy glory that I should worship thee?" There is none. God's way isn't easy, but it's definitely the best.

Now I've got The Who stuck in my head. "Whoooo are you? ooh ooh, ooh ooh"

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"Use the Atonement!"

One of my investigators brought up a universal question:
"When all these terrible things happened to me, they said that Jesus would help me, that I should use His Atonement. Sure, Christ suffered everything for us, but he has the strength of a God. Of course he could do all that. But I have the strength of a man. How is Christ supposed to help me?"

That got me thinking about me and how I figured that all out. In my childhood, whenever I heard about the Atonement, it reminded me of middle aged women crying in fast and testimony meeting and talking about how they "used the Atonement". To me and my literal mind, I was imagining some miracle product or a physical tool. I didn't get it. I didn't make the connection between Atonement and redemption/empowerment. I just saw all the women crying. I was doing my best to be good. I've never done anything really bad and thought that repentance was for those people that did obvious bad things. And thanks to my family, there were a lot of temptations that just didn't come up.  But on the other hand, I never really gave Christ my burdens. I kept most of my teenage angst, loneliness, and frustration for no good reason. As a result, I made things more difficult for myself than I had to. I didn't relate to people as I could or should have. I had a habit of drowning out my pain (as well as the Spirit) with really heavy music, all the time. It's not a terrible thing to do, but it's not a good idea either.

Now I don't feel the need to drown out my pain anymore, and it's not because I have less pain to work with. I don't know if there's a specific turning point, but at some point after I moved to Montana, things turned around. There were times when I could have been angry but was able to pray for strength to have an open mind (to the fact that I might not know the entire story) and for the strength to choose to be happy and give my anger/loneliness/pain/you name it to Christ. I learned that part of the Atonement means to give your burdens to Him so you're free to act, not be acted upon (2 Nephi 2:26). From there, I've relied on the Lord more and more, through everything that's happened in the last few years. Good times are ahead, no matter what.

Now my motto is "It's not about me". Thank Heavenly Father it's not all up to me and my will and efforts when He can do so much more with me.

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Seeing people as Christ does

I don't have much time, but I definitely need to share this.

I had an awesome experience a couple days ago. After my second meeting with Carlos, a new "investigator", I was seriously frustrated. After my companion and I left, I was very close to coming back and telling him if he didn't want to listen to us, we're not coming back. Carlos is the quintessential apathetic teenager. He told us that he was only listening to us because his family (all recent converts except for Dad) was pressuring him to. It was hard to get past that. I hardly ever get angry at people unless they decide to be be stupid or ignorant, or decide not to listen before even hearing the message. After stewing on that for a while, I started praying to know how to help him, and to help me get past that first impression of him. The next day in class, we were reading from the Book of Mormon as a district. It was the first couple chapters of 1 Nephi. I came across 1 Nephi 2:12. It was about Laman and Lemuel who murmured because they "knew not the dealings of the Lord". Something clicked in my mind. In the study time after that, I kept finding one scripture after another and a few questions came to my mind to ask Carlos at the next lesson. Thanks to the Holy Ghost, Carlos is a beloved son of God to help and serve, not an annoying kid I don't want anything to do with. I'm really amazed that Heavenly Father can work through me that way. I'm excited for when I can serve people that way in Texas!

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12 down, 30 to go!

Time flies so fast in the MTC, hence the title of this post. It's crazy how the days feel so long (because they are, I'm in class or studying from 9AM-9:30 PM) but the weeks are short. I'm suddenly not a noob anymore. And I somehow can understand and speak basic conversational spanish and simply teach the gospel. ...whoa.

So... I got an anonymous care package. I got a bunch of cookies, candy, and trail mix and an encouraging note. Now I've been wracking my brain to know who it could be. All I know is that it was shipped from a Provo post office (no address except for my name and mailbox number) and it's probably from one of my facebook friends or family, someone who would have access to my address. In case you're reading this blog, whoever you are, thank you for making my day!

Also, I thought I'd talk a bit about the Holy Ghost. I've been amazed by how much the Holy Ghost has helped me, both with the language, and with teaching the gospel and seeing the needs of the investigators I teach. I kid you not when I say that has made up for all that I lack. I understand some of this comes with my calling as a missionary, but I hope I can keep the spirit with me throughout my life so I can see the needs of those I come in contact with and be more able to help them with whatever it is. Every time my companion and I are able to teach with the Spirit, it's a holy, almost temple experience. We are all enveloped in a warm peace and calm, and with clear minds, able to teach what we need to. I hope I can keep that with me, even when I get comfortable and fluent in Spanish.

Also, a lot of the fear I had about teaching investigators is leaving. It really is true that perfect love casteth out fear (1 John 4:18). Yes, the "investigators" I'm teaching are just teachers role playing but the personas they take on are of people that they met and taught on their missions. The love and the Spirit is real nonetheless.

Another interesting thing is that one of the hermanas in my district, along with the others to a lesser degree have taken to joking that I'm "perfect". I know I need to let it go, but I'm still hyper-aware that I'm really good at some things and terrible at others. And the things I'm terrible at are all beneath the surface. Yes, I'm picking up Spanish quickly and I easily remember where scriptures are, but I'm also standing in awe at the strengths of the other people in my district. I guess I'm hypersensitive about being called perfect because of all the scriptures that say "if ye have not charity ye are nothing". I wouldn't say I'm devoid of charity. I'm pretty nice and I help people out when I know what I can do to help. But I have a hard time seeing people's needs (at least without the help of the Spirit) and I think I almost have a phobia of people in distress... I still don't know how to "mourn with those that mourn". But perhaps my mission is the time to learn. At least in both my setting apart and a father's blessing right before I left, I was blessed with compassion. I'm interested to see what will happen, as I do my part and let Christ do His.

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